too afraid of anything that may not come that easy.

I'm feeling like these next couple of days are not going to be okay. I'm feeling extremely overwhelmed and I've spent the whole day kind of floating from place not paying attention to where I was cause my head is swimming.

Midterms next week. Winter is around the corner. Alumni meet tomorrow. No social life. Parents coming. Patrick Mead. I'm so tired. And sore. I can't talk in public. Why do my professors keep calling me Kathy? Whenever I try and write and make myself sound intelligent in papers, I always get questions marks in red ink. I hate swimming with the boys in the afternoon. I hate having six people in a lane.

I need something. why are you still standing there just watching me drown?

I'm just stressed.

*81 was the year shit hit the fan.

Had a good meeting with Pat this morning. I think I've realized the reason why he doesn't hold my hand through everything like he does some other people. He knows that I can be stronger than I am, he knows that I try to get through things on my own. It might take time, but in the end it's me who's overcoming things on my own. He knows that my confidence is not where it should be but he has seen how I've matured and he expects more out of me than he does others.

It's comforting to know that he does see me for everything good I do and when I start struggling he wants me to come to him. Because I tend to keep things to myself, but when I start struggling I have to get to the point where I go to him to talk without me self imploding.

This season is going to be my breakout season. I'm no longer going to make mistakes in overestimating or underestimating for that matter the other team, my teammates or myself. I'm not going to have the nerves that I've had in the past. I know what I need to do to be the best on the team and to be one of the best in the conference. It's going to happen.

It's all happening.

I broke down for the first time since the beginning of August when I was still worried about swimming with my busted toe. I was nervous about not doing well at tryouts. Then Pat names me captain and I think this is going to be a great season where Pat and I have an open line of communication and my practices were going fabulously.

Then I have a day like today, where I don't even give up on the set, I just physically could not keep pushing myself. And when I have basically no encouragement from my coaches, let alone my teammates. At some point it gets hard to motivate yourself. It wasn't even that bad of a set. But I'm not the kind of person to place blame on other people or give excuses. I wasn't even that upset about it. Sure, I would have loved to go faster. I would have loved to beat certain people.

But when Michele points out that Robin went so much faster than me and that she should "teach me how to swim IM". It's just something that got to me. I've never had ANYONE say something like that to me. And coming from Michele, who really knows nothing about swimming other than the name of whoever touches the wall first, it shouldn't bother me. But that didn't matter at the time. I was appalled and devastated. She wonders why the girls team can't stand her? It's comments like that.

This is two weeks in a row that my last half of the week has gone poorly. I don't know how to explain it.

I need help.

how bad do you want it?

Well, yesterday I foreshadowed my cracking up. A rough morning followed by a rough practice in the afternoon. I gave up on the set as soon as Hill texted me what the boys were doing when I was at the study abroad meeting.

When I have bad practice I try not to let it affect me. It's just one day. And today it was just the one set. The last thing we did redeemed me a little bit, but it was still in my head. But in a good way. I wanted to prove myself.

I just don't know what to say to Pat when days like this happen though. He asked me and all I could say is "it was a shitty day". I've been having out of this world practices recently and it sucks when I stink up the joint one day cause it really sticks out.

if we sweat all these debts we're sure to drown.

I'm about to lose it.

I don't appreciate the idea of something wrong with my mom. Cause if something happens to her, my dad and I will not survive. She is our line of communication. Things have gotten better since college started, but it's still not normal. At this point in time, I'm probably over reacting. Her doctor says it's not cancer, but there is a swollen duct and they don't know why. I just really want to see her. She called me still really shaken cause have the first mammogram today, they decided right away they had to do an ultrasound. They were supposed to come up, but she's still rocky from the idea and not knowing.

I can't wait until Saturday to see her. I might lose it.

I've lost my patience with little things. I need to relax and stay calm, but it's hard. How am I supposed to behave normally?

I'm a worrier.

i'll pretend my ships not sinking.

It looks like study abroad is a go. go. go. Pat's input was that the earlier I go the better and that once I get back I need to commit to the last two months of training before my senior year. He also commented on that if I "come back a drunken lush that he'll kick my ass." Point taken. The study abroad office is officially calling my name. I'm trying to decide if I want to stay in Paris and all the beautiful architecture or southern France with the beautiful scenery and Mediterranean. Oh what a predicament to be in...if only life was as easy as choosing which beautiful place to visit.

Mom has a mammogram scheduled for tomorrow. The fact that it is her second in two weeks worries me. And the fact that she wasn't even going to tell me is what worries me even more. I'm sure she's fine, but I am my mother's daughter and a bit of a worry wort. Granted I haven't been home in over a month and so I'm sure there is a lot of stuff going on that she hasn't told me, cause that's just how she is. She doesn't tell me things that happen between her or my dad or anything about their health, because she doesn't want me worrying.

There is something calming about fall weather when the sun is out but it's chilly. It's just more comfortable to walk around in a hoodie and jeans. In winter, the coats are too bulky to be comfortable when you're outside, but just a light hoodie is perfection.

head back leaning through the traffic.

This morning was a tough morning to wake up. Sometimes it's definitely tempting to just roll over and fall back asleep. But you've got to put on the happy face and head out at 6:07 in the morning...only to be greeted by faces that want to be there just as little as you do.

Sooner or later though those faces are going to turn into happy ones, if only the cancer kids would be gone and stop negatively affecting others.

It's one thing to be confident and strong in your convictions, it's another to be brash and think that you're God's gift to the earth and that you can do no wrong.

I probably shouldn't be drinking coffee so close to pool time. The jitters will most likely hit me as I'm walking to Burdick. Sometimes I consider starting to drink it before meets. I just wouldn't want to crash and burn from my caffeine buzz at a random point during it. Can you imagine it hitting you during a 400 IM?

I've got piles of readings to do and questions to be answered and papers to write on airplanes and Speedo.

I've got stuff to talk to Pat about. This summer, studying abroad. I don't want him to think this is me trying to get out of training. Cause it's not. God knows, that I get right back into the swing of things when it's crunch time. I just need that extra push to get me there.

It's 1:11. Make a wish.

Wait. That's 11:11. Oh well. Make one anyway.